The Single Mami

Where Did I Go?

Look at the bassinet, beautiful baby sleeps.

Look in the mirror; Where Did I Go?

The reflection looking back looks similar to you but for many women after a baby its not the body we want to keep.

Natural reactions are to be upset, disappointed, frustrated, depressed.

All those feelings are totally normal. We’ve all been there and for some it is more difficult to lose what you added on then it is for others. Give yourself permission to have time to lose the additional weight. REMEMBER it did take 9 months to put on!!!

I know it can be frustrating to still be in maternity clothes after you have delivered your baby.

I know it can be tough mentally to break down & buy jeans in a bigger size.

I know after sharing your body for 9 months you just want it back.

But remember….

Every BODY is different!!

You delivered the baby but it takes months for some women’s body’s hormones to level off. If you have always had a tough time managing your weight, things will be no different now. Although breastfeeding can help by burning around 500 calories a day, it will not compensate for a poor diet. I soda & a candy bar & you’ve got those calories back. Your food choices become extremely important along with an exercise regiment in helping you to go back to the way you were.

With the additional stress of a new baby, thinking about cooking & planning meals may seem like to much.

SINGLE MAMI TIP

In the grocery store look for options that are easy yet still healthy. Apples & cheese rather then chips…..yogurt & fresh fruit rather then a snack bar.

Honestly, for some women there may be things about your body that will not return to the way it was….and it may be a hard pill to swallow.

But on the bright side, you have a precious gift to share your life with…….

PRICELESS

Signing Out,

The Single Mami

Thats Right Put In Work *in my Kanye voice*

You want to lose the extra baby weight right?  You join the gym…all intentions are to go.  It’s going to help you lose the weight, you’ll feel better, have more energy, overall be healthier, right?

So you go to the gym with your child and then it hits you…..like most women.  Your mind begins to wander to all the things you have to do….

Next you start to feel guilty…..the time you could be spending with your child because they have been in daycare all day….how late it will be when you finish working out….how you are affecting their bed time & sleep cycle….etc.

It is amazing how women, especially Working Women feel guilty for everything we do that keeps us away from our children any longer then we have to be away for work.  We can justify ”Work Time” because it provides income to pay the bills which is essential to their well being.

We need to have that same mindset when it comes to doing things that are good for us.

 Guilt=feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy ~Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Key from the definition of Guilt is “imagined offenses”; as mothers we create in our mind these offenses that do not exists.

REALITY

1) Your child will be fine in the care of someone else while you take an hour to exercise.

2) Children are resilient, they will adjust to a schedule that includes going to the gym 3 times a week. (Use weekends as part of your days if sleep schedule is a concern.)

3) All the household chores that you NEED to complete will still be there after you put aside an hour to take care of yourself.

4) The weather (Rain, Heat or Snow) is not going to hurt your child on the walk from the car to the gym.

5) There will never be “Enough” time for exercise to fit your schedule; you will HAVE to put time aside for it.

WHY YOU MUST!!!

1) You will feel better about yourself.

2) You will have more energy for all the things you worry about that keep you from the gym.

3) When you are happier its contagious to your children.

4) You have more patience when you feel good about yourself.

5) The added bonus of weight-loss!

Taking care of yourself is so important in enabling you to take care of your child.  Don’t feel guilty for doing what is right….feel guilty for not setting a good example for your child about living a healthy lifestyle. Feel guilty for not having the energy to run & play with your kid. Even the airlines tell you to secure your oxygen before you help anyone you are traveling with…….you are no good to anyone if you aren’t alive!

Signing Out,

The Single Mami 

The Good Life…..Ode to My Baby Girl

Her smiles & kisses make me forget, how just 10 minutes ago I was about to flip…

Her hug and she asks, “Mommy, are you okay?” makes all the stress melt away…

Her silly antics that make me laugh, the joy she gets just playing with her toys in the bath…

Her inquisitive nature that keeps her asking “Why?”; which doesn’t stop until the answer satisfies….

Her lack of rhythm that she didn’t get from me, doesn’t stop her from dancing passionately….

The way she wants to give all her things to others, her constant pressure for sisters & brothers…

Her missing teeth, her little feet, cute toes, her button nose.

The Good Life I experience each day because I’m lucky enough to me a Mami!!

Don’t forget the Good Life you have because of your wonderful children.  I know it can get hard, especially doing it all alone. When you feel overwhelmed by it all.  Sit down and remember the little things that make it worth it!!

Signing Out,

The Single Mami

I Hate to Ask But……

It is inevitable if you are a single parent that there will be a time that you will need help. HELL I think it is safe to say ALL parents can use help from time to time.

As the custodial parent, it can be difficult to balance it all when the other parent is not in the picture or doesn’t provide the amount of help that you really need. If your work requires you to travel or you work non-traditional hours when daycare centers are closed having a good Support System becomes CRUCIAL!

In many cases grandparents, siblings, extended family such as uncles, aunts and cousins help if they live close enough to.  For the most part family & even close friends don’t mind helping when your request is work related.  Something about the plight of the single parent working to provide for their kids is honorable & merits the assistance of those that care.

So what is a single parent to do after working 40+ hours and now desires to catch a movie, have a nice dinner, get a Mani & Pedi ALONE?  Ask these same folks that have bailed you out 3 times this week by keeping your child when you had to work late?

I Hate to Ask But…..so you don’t!

Or if you do…..you are met with some resistance.

The same folks that don’t mind helping when it is for WORK have some pretty strong opinions about helping when the request is SOCIAL in nature.

OPTIONS

1. Use Family & Friends sparingly for requests that are SOCIAL in nature. (Weekend trips & Overnight Visits Sporadically)
2. Develop a list of reliable & trustworthy babysitters. (Pay Well & Rotate frequently) <~limits the likelihood of getting a NO!
3. Create a Baby-Sitting Single-parent Group (Use a barter system, this can save you money to use for option #2) <~works best if they are not in your same social circle.

It is great having family & friends that care enough about you and your child to help but the key is not to overwhelm them or put them in a position where they feel taken advantage of. 

Having to sit in the house when you would rather be somewhere else is not a great feeling either.  Its okay to be upset about it….feeling like you can’t “DO” as you please can feel really confining and let’s be honest can affect your temperament with your child.  Your patience is going to be a little short if you REALLY don’t want to be there.  Let the guilt go…..you are not alone!!!!!

Signing Out,

The Singlemami

Cause We Like To Party….Ehh..Ehh….

I said it….I said it….Yess I said it….I LIKE to PARTY!  And here comes the judgement….

I know there is this unwritten rule that says that once you have a child your life should completely revolve around your child…..your child should come first and your desires and wants should come after theirs.  A LOT OF MOTHERS FORGET WHO THEY ARE during that process.

So I say GUILT FREE that I ENJOY going out!!!  Do I do it so frequently I neglect my child…..in my opinion I do not…..may some people disagree with that statement….probably so…Do I care……I used to….then I realized that no matter if you are IN…..”Why don’t you ever go out, you are too young to be couped up in the house all the time.”……or you are OUT….”You need to spend more time with your child, she needs you to spend quality time with her.”……Someone will always have an opinion about what you do.

My opinion is….if I would like to hang out on occasion….Its my prerogative!

A GIRLS NIGHT OUT isn’t viewed the same for a Single Mom as it is for a Married Mom…..somehow your child being home without you there as a Single Mom is just viewed more negatively…..of course its unfair…..but such is life.

Some may ask…..WHY do you even WANT to go out? 

I enjoy it….I like meeting people, I like the music, I like getting out the house, I like socializing, I like dancing……

And why do you like staying in?   I think we can agree that everyone is different! 

So if your a homebody….or a social butterfly….to each their own…..

But can we agree to stop being sooooooo JUDGEMENTAL!!! Sheessshhh!

Signing Out,

The Single Mami

Tis the season….

The days are getting shorter, the days are getting colder and the holiday season is in the air…..when you have little ones you experience Christmas in a whole different way!  Kids have a way of bringing out all that is good in the season.  I’ve been listening to Christmas Carols and am thinking about which cookies Santa would like us to bake for him.

For many parents, especially single ones there is an undertone to the Holidays.  DEBT!!!!  Now I know in our heads we all know that we shouldn’t spend more then what we have……but somehow once the tree is up the few gifts that you mentally agreed you wouldn’t go over look shabby under the great big Christmas Tree!!!

FACT: Your paycheck doesn’t magically INCREASE during the Holiday season!

If you haven’t put money away for the holidays you can find yourself having to decide between buying gifts on DEBT or what you may feel….disappointing your kid.

The GUILT parents feel about not being able to perhaps give your child what they would like or what you feel they deserve isn’t something that only happens during Christmas…..its just MAGNIFIED during this time of year.

SOLUTION:

Give yourself permission to stay within your budget. 

FACT: Babies don’t know how many toys they have and are probably more interested in the wrapping paper or the box it came in! 

Remember what the real reason for the season is…..do the best you can and remember you set the expectation for your child for what is NORMAL.  No need to keep up with anyone but yourself.

Making smart decisions about your finances only benefits your child in the long run!!!

Signing Out,

The Single Mami

My child in my bed….no more!

I think single parents are more apt to have this problem then couples simply because when you have a significant other for the most part in my opinion.

My problem started out of fear, then guilt moved to necessity and ended back at guilt before I just couldn’t take it anymore. When I brought my daughter home the first night I couldn’t sleep.

Was she breathing? Was she comfortable? What was that noise? Was she hungry? Would she roll out? Don’t forget about SIDS and the fact that I may not hear her if she were to cry and needs me……

I was a complete NUTCASE! I’m sure not all new mothers experience this but I did. So to ease my mind I brought her into my bed…..MISTAKE!!!!

When she was about 9 months old I was determined to get her sleeping in her bed because she was huge at this point & I didn’t want her to fall out the bed during the night….The cry it out method where you put the child down…let them cry for 2 minutes before you check on them then increase to 5 minutes, then 10 minutes then 15, etc. did not work for me at first. I was 1 hour and 35 minutes into it before she was so exhausted she fell asleep.

It was the Battle of the WILLS!!!!

By the 3rd night she was going to sleep on her own without crying for no more then 5 minutes. SUCCESS!!! OH YEAH!! I DID IT!!! Within 2 weeks she began teething and we were back to square one!! She was BACK IN THE BED!! MISTAKE!!!

My child was not out my bed until she was 2 years old sadly and joined me again as the guilt of my divorce had her return at around age 3. I continued to let guilt be my guide as I was working 3 jobs and didn’t see her as often as I would have liked…..I transitioned into 1 weekend night (Fri) and now NO NIGHTS at age 5. (Unless she is sick of course!)

I must say the number of times I have been kicked, punched, forced to sleep with no covers, slept on corner or EVEN just got up & slept on the couch or her bed are ALARMING!!!!

I know you love your kids but striking a healthy balance of independent sleeping is SOOOO important for your child’s growth & development and for you to earn a full, uninterrupted night of sleep. This helps them but also helps you to have the energy & stamina to take care of your child properly!

Signing Out,

The Single Mami